What Do You See That I Dont?

“He’s totally out to lunch. I’ve told him a hundred times not to do it, and he keeps doing it. He just doesn’t get it”, a new teacher shared in frustration.

But what if he does get it? What if he simply sees the situation through a different lens?

Perhaps he’s overwhelmed, overtired, or discouraged. Perhaps he has learned that there are no real consequences, so this behavior continues. Understanding his perspective doesn’t excuse the behavior, but it is the only way to understand its cause. And until we understand the cause, we are unlikely to find the right solution.

I once noticed a student put his head down on his desk early in the school day. I could have assumed that he was lazy, uninterested, or disrespectful. Instead, I asked him if there was something wrong. He wasn’t feeling well but had insisted on coming to school because he didn’t want to miss the lesson.

His behavior didn’t change. My perspective did. And because my perspective changed, so did the student’s experience. Instead of criticism, he received appreciation. 

The same is true at home. A parent once shared that their bright eleven-year-old became upset whenever his siblings were in the same room while he was speaking to his parents. “He just needs so much attention”, they concluded. Perhaps not. Perhaps he wasn’t asking for more attention, but for undivided attention. The interruptions weren’t malicious, but they prevented the connection he was seeking. The behavior looked one way. The need beneath the surface looked very different.

One of the deepest human fears is, “I’m not good enough.” Not a good enough parent. Not a good enough teacher. Not a good enough spouse or friend.

When our sense of worth feels threatened, we naturally become defensive. If a student misbehaves or a child pushes back, it’s easy to conclude that they are the problem, rather than asking whether we’re missing part of the picture. Our ego protects us by assigning blame. Unfortunately, that same defense prevents understanding.

Perspective-taking is not deciding whether someone is right. It is understanding why their perspective makes sense to them.

This is a profound shift.

Two people can experience the same event and walk away with completely different conclusions because they possess different experiences, fears, expectations, and values. Understanding doesn’t require agreement. It requires curiosity.

Imagine a parent telling an eight-year-old that it’s time to leave the playground. The child bursts into tears. Without perspective-taking, we might respond, “You’re overreacting. What’s the big deal? It’s time to go home”.

With perspective-taking, we recognize that play isn’t simply recreation, it’s the child’s world. Leaving feels like a genuine loss.

The boundary remains. But the conversation changes:

“I know this is disappointing. You were having so much fun. We still have to go, but I understand why you’re upset.”

Nothing about the expectation changed.

Everything about the relationship did.

When people feel understood, they become less defensive, more cooperative, and more open to growth. Perhaps this is the greatest gift that perspective-taking offers. It doesn’t just help us understand people better, it helps people feel understood.

The same principle applies to the relationship between parents and teachers. When either one reaches out with a concern, it is easy for the other to become defensive. Beneath the surface, it can feel like the message is, "You're not doing a good enough job." A parent may hear, "I'm failing my child," while a teacher may hear, "I'm not a good enough educator." If we can recognize that instinctive reaction and move beyond it, we often discover that we are not on opposite teams at all. We both want the very same thing: what’s best for the child. Once we focus on that shared goal, instead of defending ourselves, we are able to find common ground and together we can help the child succeed.

Choose Curiosity over Certainty

Before entering a difficult conversation, remember three simple truths: 

1- People have the right to feel the way they feel

2- They have the right to think differently than we do

3- They are separate human beings with experiences different from our own

A few practical habits can transform our conversations:

Listening without interrupting

Giving our full attention

Repeating back what we heard before responding

Pausing before speaking

Asking ourselves, “Am I trying to understand, or just trying to be understood?”

Looking for common ground before offering solutions

Perspective-taking doesn’t mean lowering expectations or abandoning boundaries. It means caring enough to understand another person’s reality before trying to change it.

The students of Rabbi Akiva were brilliant scholars who loved Torah deeply, yet they failed to show proper honor to one another. Genuine honor requires making room for another person’s perspective, even when it differs from our own.

As we approach Tisha B’Av, we can reflect on Ahavas Chinom, the antidote to the divisions that led to the destruction of the Beis HaMikdash. We can choose connection over judgment and understanding over assumption. Every time we replace frustration with curiosity and take the time to understand before responding, we bring hearts a little closer together.

Perhaps one of the most powerful questions we can ask, in the classroom, at home, and in every relationship, is simply:

“What do you see that I don’t?”

We would like to invite you to continue this conversation with us at the 10th Annual Art of Chinuch Teacher Training Program.

As we celebrate this 10-year milestone, we are humbled and honored by the opportunity to learn and grow together with so many dedicated educators.

Over the past ten years, more than 700 educators have participated in the program, each bringing their passion for Chinuch and their commitment to becoming even better teachers.

Join us as we continue exploring how to blend warmth with structure, relationship with rigor, and inspiration with accountability, all with one goal: bringing out the best in every child.

CLICK HERE TO SIGN UP

And this conversation is not limited to educators attending the program. We invite everyone, educators, parents, and anyone who cares about Chinuch, to share their perspective in the comments section below. Every perspective is valuable, and your input can help shape this year’s learning.

What is one idea, skill, or lesson you believe is essential to include in the 10^th annual Art of Chinuch Teacher Training Program?